Come along for a night of soul Friday 20th April free entry

Some photos from the bright ideas 24 hour marathon

On the early hours of 18th February the Tennis section took part in Bright ideas For tennis 24 hour marathon. Julian and Nick asked some members to join in. A big thank you to our Tennis coach Paul, bar and events Manager Sarah, Marion, Laura, Andrew, Robert, Jin and Chang for taking up the challenge. Please check out the link and see some pictures from the event. We also won fastest serve with Jin and Andrew both hitting a massive 99mph 👍🏻 There is still time to donate.

Please Support Thav as he will be taking part in the Sky dive for the future of tennis. Check out his page and give what you can

New Malden Social Squash Team v Wimbledon 12 February 2018 By Skipper Graham Smith The trip to Wimbledon on the train subjected us to cohabitation with a blue clad tribe on their way to defend a “bridge” from the invading Bromwich hoards and so the opening of the chariots doors at Wimbledon was a welcome release. The rail side mugger’s paradise that leads from the station to the courts is a further challenge but we arrived, purses intact and rackets at the ready. Richard T was already waiting for us as he made the self-sacrifice of arriving early enough to examine the catering and refreshment facilities on our behalf. He was rewarded with the first up slot and as he made his desultory way on court he spotted his Larrikin of an opponent was sporting a Triathlon participant’s sweat shirt. Never having been good with numbers or Athlons, Richard was buoyed by the fact that it was his third attempt before he got the shirt and was therefore undeterred. The crowd were a little dismayed that Richard had to sit on the court floor and gulp air into his lungs after the warm up but when his pulse rate settled down to 150 he was ready to go. Richard sportingly threw the first game through a combination of indolence and lethargy as he warmed up his stockings and aeriated his lungs. After that an exhibition of solid hitting followed by periods of rehabilitation and oxygen replenishment saw him through to winning 3-1 and achieving his own triathlon. The next three games were then forfeited which restored our reputation for incompetence that had been badly damaged by our win last match and dispelled rumours the team may have to disband. Nick was last on court and treated us to a grand finale. We are used to Nick’s cantankerous demeanour on court and a ripple of concern disturbed the attentive throng when he was seen to smile mid match. Fortunately our perturbation was misplaced as it was simply passing wind and petulance was soon restored and the victory followed. As we adjourned for reward to the bar the blue tribe were now featured on television chanting their appreciation of feats of diving and contact hysteria but we settled down to more serious matters. Those of you of a sufficiently robust constitution that allowed you to read my September report of our home match with Wimbledon may recall a mention of a Cambridge Physics graduates difficulty in opening the club door. The same savant was one of our number on this occasion and was keen to relay stories from his recent trip to Texas which involved Monster trucks, fire arms and good fun in the same sentence. However despite admitting 50% Welsh parentage he knew nothing of the recent Six Nations encounters. I fear the Russell Group and the Seven Road Bridge have a lot to answer for. Providing Brexit does not prove all distracting our next fixture is against the Civil Service on 1st March.

AMENDMENT: This event is on the 3rd of March - NOT the 2nd as originally posted

New Malden Social Squash Team v Sheen Club Monday 29 January 2018 By skipper Graham Smith The evening started unusually as “Toni” my Sheen contact emailed me to say that one of their team had been called away at short notice on business and that they would only be fielding four players. I adopted my normal “meet and greet” stance at the club door and by a process of elimination I concluded the last to arrive must be Toni. It was quite deep into the evening before it was revealed that Toni was never a name that either of his parents had deemed acceptable and that Toni was in fact a lady who coordinated the club’s fixtures. A Phil Neville sized incident was avoided as Mark was starting to enjoy being called Toni as it happened. First on court was Richard T still sporting his Gregory Gaultier socks which are his only similarity with the Petite General. His accent remains rubbish and his squash less than avuncular, however despite a conglomeration of handicaps he rolled to victory setting the trend for the night. Ben followed with another victory, achieved once he discovered that very few areas of the court were beyond his opponents reach. He switched to playing his shots so late that the cleaners were just arriving when he came off court. One of the great things about squash is that it is a game for all sizes. Suffice it to say that with Richard Egan and his opponent on court there was very little vacant space. Richard had previously played in the Juniors v Adults match on Saturday where his opponent weighed less than his racket and whose court coverage was unrestricted by knee supports or, any reasonable laws of physics and so Monday night with one good knee between them was an unparalleled contrast. The match was of Olympic standing as they grappled in Greco-Roman Wrestling style to find a route to the ball. Many detours were taken as there were lane closures and unexpected contra flows and their passage to two games all left the speed cameras untroubled. The big show down had arrived, the crowd shifted nervously as the balcony bounced as the court door closed and the gladiators laboured on to court. Richard was now deep in the zone and was ready to produce his finest moment. In true Cirque du Soleil style he self-dislocated his wrist which allowed him to play a series of double reverse boasts which adopted trajectories so random that his opponent knotted both knee supports whilst his eyeballs crossed sockets. The towel came in before further damage could be inflicted and a notable New Malden victory was announced on the traffic reports. Nick was our only loss on the night but having to play someone with a dual personality proved disconcerting and he lost to both on the night. The men’s changing room offers a wall mounted hair dryer which can be stood under whilst the process of blow drying a suitable degree of barnet panache is achieved. One of our opponents who was similarly follicley challenged as myself decide to avail himself of this facility and only reluctantly withdrew from its use when the smell of burning flesh stated to pervade the area. Linda spoilt us with a gala Prince Charming evening with references to missing trousers and accompanied by the Wurzels. Anyone visiting the local Sainsbury’s is likely to find Richard T berating the manager for the lack of Wurzel stock available this morning Next match 12 February at Wimbledon.

Squash. Juniors v Adults match The Vic Baker Cup Saturday 27th Jan 2018 Thanks to all the players and supporters at the latest New Malden Juniors v Adults match at the club today. There was an amazing 23 matches in total which was a record turn out. Each match lasted a fixed 25 minutes with all scores added together to make the overal team score. Over 2400 points were scored in total across the 23 matches. Some amazing squash was played with some impressive performances from both teams. We raised nearly £400 on the day to go towards the court refurb fund. This was the fifth match in the series. The adults won the overall match and retained the Vic Baker Cup to take a 4-1 lead overall. Special congratulations as follows: Highest Adults Scorer: Graham Smith (95 points) Highest Junior Scorer: Christian Faergemann (90 points) Match of the day: Daniel Sanches v. Mike Nightingale (48:47) Sweepstake winner: Georgia Baum (getting closest to predicting the total number of points on the day - 2420) Overall winners: The Adults!! Thanks to Vic Baker for paying for all the pizzas and for his continued support of the juniors.

Come on all let's get donating 😬 all proceeds go into the club for improvements of the Tennis courts. Remember I don't play tennis so this a real challenge to me even a £ will be great Thank you Sarah x

New Malden Social Squash Team v RAC 7 December 2017 @ The RAC Club, Woodcote Park, Epsom By skipper Graham Smith Biannually the New Malden Social squash team head into the opulent Surrey Downs to administer a cold shower of real life to the gentrified folk who inhabit Woodcote Park. Passing through the main house on our way to the punishment block it is initially comforting to find that a large proportion of their members are older than the New Malden management committee. However they can still field a small group of adroit doubles players of sufficient prowess to inflict a pitcher of whitewash on our disparate band. Our Eddie Jones born tactical preparations were imbedded in his favourite “chaos theory” which we implemented by fielding pairs that had never been on court together before and even a sprinkling of doubles virgins who added movement around the court to push the chaos to an unexpected zenith. We are required to field 5 pairs for this joust and as soon as the initial invitations had hit the mat the crafty old foxes consulted their cunning plans. King Reynard amongst us Ken Brooks immediately started grooming an athlete to do his bidding by using his email pseudonym “Barbara”. Many a young innocent has stepped on to court with Ken to find they have been subjected to an unfortunate age reversal trick and their partner is in fact 71 not 17. Whilst not wanting to cause embarrassment I feel obliged to unveil that this encounters victim was Daniel Suarez-Mash who sportingly lived up to his “jollychap” email handle. Ken who has never been one to venture out of the service box unless his laces are on fire, introduced the ball into play and then rather like an Xbox meister mentally guided Daniel around court so that he covered both sides and the middle whilst Ken skilfully kept out of the way. This enable Ken to come off court with his cufflinks still in place and the crease in his shorts still sharp as a knife. Despite Daniels gargantuan efforts their opponents sensed the calcification increasing on one side of the court and sadly Daniels efforts went unrewarded. David Mafeni partnered Danny Finn and whilst David was intent on securing a victory Danny feared the worst and so decided a more theatrical exit from the competition would be less embarrassing so he threw himself, head first, into the side wall. When later found purring in the company of the receptionist who was attempting to steristrip his wound the story of his laceration, like all good fisherman’s tales, had grown into one of daring deeds and self-sacrifice for the team. When it started “I was dashing across the court” all semblance of authenticity evaporated. Jimbo playing with Gavin was “Jimbo”. In his usual economic way he played, commentated and coached, often within the same sentence. Despite giddiness from watching and a splitting headache from listening, the RAC team were victorious. Nick and Richard E despite being impossible to lob found a full sized doubles court defeated even Richard when he regularly attempted a five wall boast and they succumbed to the court craft employed against them. Richard T and I huffed and puffed and did win a game mainly due to the distraction of Richard wearing knee high scout master socks purloined I suspect from the civil service. I achieved what was announced as a club first by framing a shot so cleanly that the backspin imposed on the ball caused it to land and settle on the front tin. The award of the match ball later in the proceedings was as good as a hat trick for me and much more likely. I am sure I have lost most of my audience by now but I must end by telling you that after dinner speaking took a trip into the surreal when Nick, accompanied by his trusty ukulele made members of the RAC join in the chorus of his thinly veiled derision. The wild applause at the end confirmed that they no longer have the vaguest idea of what our events are all about. Merry Christmas!

테테테테테니스 #테니스 #운동 #rf97 #wilson #tennis

운동에 미침 #테니스 #운동 #tennis #love

One more dance with you...if you don't work out, you're getting restrung...#babolat #pureaero #rpmblast #tennis #racquet #rafa #nadal #weaponofchoice #55lbsaintworkingforme #sport

#thatfeeling when you are a bit #hungover and run out of the house with #oneold and #onenew #trainer #sneaker #brooks #adrenalinegts14 @brooksrunninguk #gottalaugh

The #littleman has a bit to grow to catch up with the other young girls and boys at #squash

If you don't have anything to do this morning at 9:30 come and join me for zumba gold in New Malden at badminton and racket fitness club. 😃#healthy #healthychoices #healthyeating #zumba #zumbafitness #zumbagold #zumbagirls #zumbaworldwide #zumbauk #lowimpact #weightlossjourney #weightloss

Another great evening down New Malden Tennis Squash & Badminton Club. Thanks to everyone who came out to see us! #liveband #music #1950s #rockandroll

#korean #bento provided by the organisers of the #a3 korean #tennis #tournament #newmaldentennisclub #newmalden #food #bulgogi #kimchi #japchae #omnomnom

Let's do this! #a3 #korean #tennis #tournament #newmaldentennisclub #newmalden @maxxlua_

#littlespursfan on the #squashcourt

진짜가 나타났다👀 도착하자마자 맛본 생기네스👍🏻 역시 진짜는 달라 #감동💕#뉴몰든 #윔블던 #but #잠자리 #뒤척