Turquoise Bliss Retreats

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Hello Ballarat! I have two appointments available in Ballarat this Thursday. If you want to experience a supportive, healing session with me, send me a message. It's an invitation to resolve the past and live free from suffering. Xx

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Ahhh... this makes me breathe a sigh of relief. Even if you are not where you'd like to be, be completely where you are. Going into the future brings anxiety. Being in the past breeds depression. Just be here now. Feel your body relax into this moment. ❤️️

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I'm doing sessions in Ballarat this Thursday (the 29th) and I have two appointments left. If you need to let go of something, heal past trauma or forgive someone, this could be for you. I work in a gentle and compassionate way to bring you peace and wholeness.

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You don't have to be a therapist, you don't have to be able to make them ok, you don't have to say the right thing, you just have to ask. Sometimes we shy away from asking because we don't know how to make things better. Nobody expects you to fix anything, just ask and listen, suggest that they see someone and check in another day.

I wrote a post earlier today about self-acceptance and love. In it I discussed the conclusions we draw about ourselves as children, when we feel invalidated by a parent. This invalidation might come in the form of discipline for something we have done, or it may just be that our parents were not present with us physically or emotionally when we needed them. We may then conclude that we are not good enough, that there’s something wrong with us, or in some cases, that we shouldn’t exist. A few readers felt worried and even guilty about potentially damaging their children's developing sense of self. They raised questions about how to avoid this, how to be there for their own children, how to protect them from these experiences. Unfortunately, the answer is – you can’t. Sadness, stress and fear are a part of life. Luckily, so is resilience. Resilience is the capacity to rebound from these emotions and return to a state of equilibrium and peace. A psychoanalyst named Winnicott theorised that we can never protect our children from the harshness of life (including the way we parent), but what we can do is be a “good enough” parent. A good enough parent is one who provides a loving and nurturing environment for the child, but also one where there is room for the child to feel disillusioned with their parents and the world, without destroying their appetite for life and their ability to accept reality. If the parents are able to tolerate their children’s experiences of anger, frustration and sadness, and support them (i.e cuddle a sad and crying child without necessarily fixing the problem), children are more likely to maintain a realistic and ongoing relationship with their parents. If a parent strives to make everything perfect for their child and protect them from unpleasant emotions, the parent only serves to foster in the child, a “false self” – one where the child is not able to accept reality as it is, and therefore has a very hard time coping in the world. This good enough parenting builds resilience. Even for a very sensitive child, sadness, disappointment, anger or fear is an opportunity for parents to give them an experience of feeling supported in that state, thus fostering the feeling that everything is ok even when they are upset, and therefore helping them bounce back without lasting damage and trauma. Eventually this belief that everything is ok will be internalised and they will develop resilience, and have a strong ongoing sense that all is well. How often a child becomes upset is not the main issue, it’s how supported they feel in handling those emotions and whether or not they bounce back. All children truly need is love and support. You give parenting everything you’ve got. You do the best with what you know, and the mere fact that you’re reading this post means you’re really making an effort to be the best parent you can possibly be. The reality is that we all have our own journeys. Yes, your children might end up struggling, they might even end up talking about your parenting in the therapy room. All you need to have done is to have made it ok for them to feel bad sometimes, and to have provided enough experiences of receiving support, that they won’t be afraid to ask for it.

Do you accept yourself as you are? In truth, it's something we all struggle with. Throughout our lives, especially when we are very young, we depend on love for survival. We reach for connection and safety as soon as we are born. As we grow and our brain develops, we start to discern what behaviors bring us more love and attention (which we associate with safety and survival), and so we try to include more of that. To us, our parents are like the sun, and every time they shine on us, we flourish. As well as receiving countless hours of sunshine, there will always be times when we get the message that we are not good enough, that we belong in the shade. Maybe we are told that our behavior is not good enough, that we are naughty or bad, and we believe it. Perhaps the more damaging instances happen more subtly, often by accident. When we are overlooked, abandoned, forgotten (even if it's only for a few minutes). If our parents (or their attention) are elsewhere at a critical emotional moment for us, as children, we feel unloved. Given that to us as small children, our parents seem like the greatest beings that could ever exist, we can't imagine faulting them for how we feel and so the only logical conclusion is that it is our own fault. "Mum forgot me because I'm not good enough." Of course that's not the reality - mum was god damned BUSY, but our little minds can't help but take these things personally and attribute blame to ourselves. I can hear the parents reading this, thinking "Oh god! That would mean I can't even get dinner made without someone's self esteem being damaged" and it's true - you can't be there and present with each child, every moment of the day - all you can be is what psychotherapists call a "good enough parent". It's also a natural part of our development, many of these moments build resilience, it's just a few that wound us. I'll write another post about this shortly. But back to you. So at many points in our lives, we all got the feeling that if we were just a little better, cuter, nicer or more well behaved, we would be truly lovable. In perhaps just a few pivotal moments, we came to believe that when others withdraw their love, it's because we are not good enough. We then carry this into our adult relationships and feel deep shame and grief whenever someone withdraws, because they're actually digging into an old childhood wound. So, what can you do about it? The reason that these old wounds are so powerful is because they're out of our awareness. It seems as though we are feeling so hurt because of something our partner did, but actually the cause is deeply buried. These old wounds need to be brought into awareness. In therapy, you have the opportunity to safely visit these seemingly dark places and shine a light on them - actually you can be your own sun now that you're an adult and change the experience of a difficult memory. You don't have to know where these memories lie, it the therapist's job to guide you there. This new awareness and acceptance of what was, diffuses the pain. You can now see the real meaning of the situation (eg: mum was grieving/busy/stressed, dad was shut down/away for work/an alcoholic). You can remind yourself that you are loved and safe and good enough. You'll see yourself with love and compassion and have the opportunity to give yourself exactly what you need when these feelings arise. Going forward, you'll have a greater understanding of yourself and feel more self-love, self-acceptance and compassion.

Brené Brown: Listening to shame

Brene Brown on vulnerability, shame and daring greatly. I highly recommend all of her talks and books. https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0

Laura Duggan Therapy

Laura Duggan Therapy's cover photo

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Hello Ballarat! I'm doing two days of sessions in Ballarat this Thursday and Friday (18th & 19th). If you feel you need to de-stress, let go of something, forgive someone or if you're just curious, come and see me. Message me on Facebook or call or text 0410528723. This is a special offer of $100 for 1.5 hours. Obviously all appointments and information are completely confidential.

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I've recently been struck by the kindness and generosity of spirit of my friends, and really everyone I have encountered of late. At first I thought I was just really lucky. As it continued, I thought maybe I'd chosen great people to surround myself with (and may have congratulated myself a little ☺️). But I've actually started to wonder whether it's a result of all of the destruction, fear and sadness that threatens the world at the moment. I wonder whether we are all just giving one another a little more love, forgiveness, kindness - small acts of unity and peace in a world divided and at war. Let's hold this possibility in our hearts and place only our kindest thoughts on everything we experience. We may then see the world and the people in it through a lens of love and peace, thus creating more of it.