What to do When Siblings Fight

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'WHAT DID YOU LEARN?' Children grow confident to try new things and learn from mistakes when they hear questions like this. Quite often when a child makes a mistake they yearn to be rescued from the discomfort and embarrassment of being 'wrong' and appearing vulnerable. When struck down by self consciousness, little - if any learning can take place. In the thick of big emotions like disappointment, frustration and embarrassment, thinking switches off. After empathising and showing you've noticed their feelings, asking children, 'what did you learn?' is less confronting than pointing out what they could have done to avoid the mistake (that activates the automatic 'stop listening to the adult' button!) and is more useful than trying to 'fix' difficult feelings or come up with a solution for them. Sometimes too, simply acknowledging their feelings of frustration or embarrassment is plenty - most kids will get 'learning from mistakes fatigue' if they're asked too much about what they've learnt! By planting seeds like this when you can (and no one can do this all the time), questions like this become internalised and kids start naturally talking to themselves this way. Showing that adults make and cope constructively with mistakes also teaches emotional resilience. Maybe try asking kids what their best mistake of the day was - and share yours. Feel free to try my making mistakes celebration worksheet in today's post (photo version). Also check out the growth mindset 'what' questions which helps guide kids to cope with challenges while learning. Many of these are also great questions to ask at the end of the day or around the dinner table. Trying to hide or avoid mistakes stops many young people from going on to do great things. It also contributes towards perfectionism. More on that next time.

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Happy New Year! Thank you all so much for liking and sharing 'Solutions for kids' over the last three weeks on Facebook. I've loved getting to know you all and appreciate your warm and generous support. I've just drawn the winners for the competition...Congratulations go to CINDY LOVEGROVE - 'The Resilience and Wellbeing Toolbox' plus Archie's Big Book of Friendship Adventures are yours! Second prize of yummy tea and a moleskin notebook goes to TERENA POPE and third prize goes to KAREN LESTER - a calendar for the year ahead! Winners please email madhavi.james@icloud.com with your postal address and I'll send them out to you on Tuesday. With thanks and all the very best wishes to all of you for a wonderful year ahead, Madhavi

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The winner of the Resilience and Wellbeing Toolbox book plus Archie's Big Book of Friendship Adventures will be drawn on New Years Day 2017. To enter, just like the 'Solutions for Kids' Facebook page or the original post about the competition and share one post with your friends. Good luck! Xx

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Encouraging curiosity builds a love of learning&increases resilience and wellbeing. Build curiosity with,'I wonder...' Children who remain curious beyond the early 'why, what, where's and how's three and four year olds are famous for, have greater long term academic and social-emotional outcomes. Curiosity increases brain plasticity, contributing to overall intelligence, creativity and wisdom. A brain which has expanded in this way is more adaptable and flexible, making it more resilient at coping with stress and anxiety, boredom, disease and a range of age related diseases. Answering young people's questions about the world with your own curiosity by saying, 'I don't know yet' / 'what do you think?' / 'I'm not sure - do you have any ideas?' helps foster their own curiosity and independent thinking. Curious thinking builds pathways in the brain to seek more, think deeper and learn more creatively. In our fast changing world, we can't begin to imagine what skills will be needed for today's young people to thrive as adults in the workplaces and communities of the future. What we do know, is a thirst to know more about something - in other words, be curious - is what drove many great minds to new heights. Curiosity is also a great ingredient for friendships and relationships. When people aren't getting along , being curious about the other person's feelings, perspective and needs builds empathy and increases harmony. This is more constructive than making judgements and becoming frustrated about personal differences. Finally, curiosity helps children cope with making mistakes and learning challenges. More about that next time.

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3 words to simmer disappointment Kids emotions can plummet from excited &joyful to thoroughly disappointed&unhappy in a matter of seconds. Developing brains are less skilled at keeping big feelings under control&disappointment can be one of the toughest emotions to handle. So many childhood experiences come with high expectations. A highly anticipated outing, winning and losing in sport and other games, jealousy between siblings and not getting what you hoped for can all be the source of many disappointment tantrums.While it's hard to resist reminding children to be grateful for what they do have - children have an automatic off button when we try to teach through lecturing and forced gratitude. One of the most helpful ways to calm tantrums and difficult feelings is through empathy and acknowledgement. Simply showing you've noticed their feelings is usually enough to start the process of calming kids down. The more often a child hears empathy when their feelings are out of control,the stronger the brain wires for keeping calm during big feelings such as disappointment. Like all new skills, handling feelings confidently takes time & practice.Showing empathy rather than distracting them with what they DO have builds emotional resilience. Better than that, it deepens the attachment between children and the adults who care for them. This doesn't mean behavioural expectations change. Kids grow from boundaries with firm but fair discipline. Starting with empathy means emotions calm down enough for children to listen. So next time there's a big feeling around - and you've got the energy (no one can empathise every time!) whether it's disappointment, sadness, anger or worry, try starting with, 'Sorry you're' then name the feeling & pause - offer a hug - give some eye contact. It's not our job to fix children's feelings or rescue them from disappointment - it's our job to show we understand how hard it is to feel out of control emotionally & to remain firm, fair & kind.

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A PD opportunity with Mark Le Messurier

Mark's events fill fast-tickets on sale today https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=126243457870554&id=100014547002262

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Check out how creative these parents got with their boredom activities, meal ideas and where shall we go jars...

How Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident & Capable Children

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'I'm bored!' Sound familiar?School holidays mark the transition from structured learning and routine to open ended play and learning of a different pace. Like with any transition, most children need time to adjust. Sometimes the first few days of the holidays are the hardest while everyone adjusts to each other, family dynamics and how to fill their time. Boredom is no different to any other feeling. It's normal and to be expected. Kids need to feel bored from time to time to delight in what usually follows - creativity, curiosity and adventure. All feelings need a space without being 'fixed' or replaced with another more pleasant feeling. Next time you hear ,' I'm bored' try empathising with something like, 'you're bored-that can be so frustrating!' And instead of offering a 'why don't you...' You might like to try, 'You're creative and interesting - I can't wait to see what you do about it!' Kids won't always like this answer but most won't like your suggestions on what to do either!This is because boredom has a hunger for self driven creativity - not someone else's ideas. Kids who learn to get through the unpleasant feeling of boredom for long enough to come up with a solution to their own boredom build resilience and enjoy greater wellbeing. If they need ideas you can always brainstorm ideas together and put them in a jar. Rather than you offering suggestions - they can go to their ideas jar which is a step closer to independent problem solving through boredom. Time that's unstructured, outdoors where possible and self directed contributes to self esteem, happiness and overall resilience and wellbeing. Happy boredom these holidays!

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Here are 6 tricks to induce calm from 'The Resilience and Wellbeing toolbox.' 4-7-8 breathing is super easy to learn and quickly calms your central nervous system. The best way to teach these skills is by using them yourself. Children do more of what we do than what we say. Showing that stress is part of life and that everyone needs to draw on calming tools teaches them that being calm doesn't happen magically - even grown ups need to practice it. Adults can teach children how to be calmer-just like teaching them to catch a ball, use cutlery,draw on paper instead of the walls, use a potty, be friendly to others&so on! As with learning anything new, becoming calmer takes time, practice and encouragement. The more it's practiced the stronger the connections in the brain grow & the more effective the tools become. Creating a poster with these ideas (plus your/ the child's ideas) helps them remember what to do. Making a 'happy box' filled with calming ideas and activities will mean kids have a plan to go to when they're upset. Guiding them to be more independent with decision making around stress management by giving them the right tools builds resilience. It's always best to involve them in planning around anything related to behaviour change and remember nothing changes overnight and nothing works all the time. Kids have got the learner's plates on!